Contents
Introduction. 1
Am I a Bad Parent? Is My Child a Bad Child? p.2
Where Are You on the Hierarchy Ladder? p.3
What Was Your Parents’ Parenting Style? p.5
Being Mindful of Social Media and Influencer Parenting p.6
What is Your Parenting Style? p.8
The Blasé Parent p.8
The Maybe Parent p.9
The “Yes Sir” Parent p.11
The Concerned Parent p.12
The Soft Parent p.13
The Absent Parent p.13
The Mindful Parent p.15
Can I Be My Child’s Friend? p.17
What’s Next for My Parenting Style? p.18
Think Now, Act Now p.20
Who’s Being a Hare Brain? p.22
Rules And Expectations and Why We Have Them p.25
Boundaries p.28
Consequences p.36
The Come Close Consequence p.37
Move Away/Time Away Consequence. 38
Time-Out p.42
Dealing With Consequences When a Child’s Tantrum/ Outburst Causes More Problems p.43
Roadblocks to Parenting Success p.54
Guilt p.55
Over-Functioning p.56
Methods to Support Children to Experience Their Feelings in an Emotionally Supportive Way p.58
A Quick Word on Empathy p.59
Domestic Violence p.61
Routines p.63
Family Time p.65
Keeping Up with the Joneses p.67
Going Between the Hare and Tortoise Brain p.69
The Pressure Gauge p.72
Entertaining 24/7 p.77
Giving Back to Yourself p.78
What’s Next? p.79
Strategies p.80
Eye Contact p.80
Too Much Talking—15 Words or Fewer and Definitely No More Than Two Sentences p.81
Tennis Talk p.82
Fishing Talk p.87
Tornado Talk p.89
To Praise or Not to Praise p.92
Acknowledgements p.92
When You’re Ready/Are You Ready? p.94
Ignoring p.103
Hand Technique p.103
Balloon Blowing p.105
Always Know Which Brain You and Your Child Are Working From p.105
Punishments p.106
Rewards p.107
Choices p.107
Negotiation p.108
A Quick Reference If Things Are Going Wrong p.111
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Introduction
After working with children for over three decades, I’ve discovered many things, not only about children and how to influence their behaviour, but also about the methods many adults (including myself) have adopted over time. While it can’t be ignored that parenting is a mixed bag of emotions and outcomes, it need not be the catalyst for growing quite so many grey hairs as it might seem.
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Originally trained in behaviourism, I began my career working with children, believing that punishment and punitive attitudes were key to getting them to behave. Yet, over the years, I have discovered these methods not only ignite a child’s will and determination to do the exact opposite of what you want, but they also often fail children in many important ways.
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Before I continue, I want to point out that I don’t make this statement lightly, because many people (including me) have used punitive methods successfully, such as time-out. That said, I have also seen these methods fail our children because their primary focus is on getting them to behave in the moment, as quickly as possible.
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While swift reaction time is not inherently problematic, it poses an intrinsic problem: the frequency with which children choose the correct behaviour is, more often than not, determined by the degree to which they are policed. I believe that children shouldn’t grow into adults who obey the speed limit only when a policeman is nearby, but rather become people who are motivated to choose the right behaviours because they police themselves.
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The result of my beliefs is that I have researched, adopted, and developed many new ideas and concepts to create the following book, which embraces a philosophy that endeavours to teach children how to behave, not just when.
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To make this book as easy and user-friendly as possible, I have refrained from using philosophical and psychological terminology. In addition, I have split it up into digestible chunks, ensuring all information is relevant and easy to implement. Added to this is my aim to create a practical parenting book that doesn’t take three weeks to read. With the parenting climate as it is today, I appreciate that your time is a valuable and rare commodity—especially if you have more than one child and have fallen into the trap of making sure each has more than one extracurricular activity to commandeer their time and yours.
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Therefore, thank you for not only choosing this book to help you on your way to making your parenting life easier, but also for wanting to use the tools and strategies outlined to help your children flourish and grow into the adults you always hoped they would become.
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Safe journey,
MJ
​Am I a Bad Parent? Is My Child a Bad Child?
Before I begin to discuss children’s behaviour, I need to establish a few facts. Firstly, not everything about your ability to parent your child will be bad. In all fairness, almost 99% of the parents I see are doing more things correctly than incorrectly. However, when their children’s behaviour reaches a level that causes stress, their belief in their parenting ability may be called into question. The truth of the matter is, however, that if your child has been fed, bathed, clothed and has argued about why they shouldn’t have to follow some rule in the last 24 hours, then you’re already doing a lot right.
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Nonetheless, if your child’s behaviour has reached a point where you are starting to question your parenting skills, it’s important to take stock of your skills and, hopefully, to stop turning to social media to reassert how much worse you are at this gig than the influencer that is ‘apparently’ doing everything right. In my experience, I’ve never met a mum, dad, grandparent, carer or other relative who’s caring for a child who doesn’t break a sweat on a regular basis. Instead of reaching for Facebook, Insta or whatever app might be out there next week, I urge you to spend a few minutes thinking about what you do well as a parent. In undertaking this task, don’t think about the big things, but rather all the little things that add up to make the bigger picture, for example, making sure they have nutritious food, that you monitor what they watch on television, that you tell your children you love them, that you listen to them when they are upset, that you go to work to earn money to support them or that you make sacrifices to stay at home to care for them, that you have a sense of humour when all you’d really like to do is to stick a stamp on their head and post them to the South Pole until they’re 18.
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The second point I want to make relates to the first. Quite often, when children’s behaviour becomes difficult, we can develop a tainted view of who they are and what qualities they possess. If this has happened to you, or does happen to you, I want you to remember one thing: having a negative viewpoint of your child doesn’t make you a bad parent. Instead, it is an indicator that you’re human and you’ve reached your limit (and possibly run out of wine).
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If this is where you find yourself, and you are viewing your child through a tainted lens, take some time now to think about all the quirks, talents and skills your child has. It is important to remember their behaviour isn’t a reflection of who they are, but rather a product of how they have learnt to behave. When their bad behaviour is stripped away, many qualities remain that make them lovable and likable.
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Lastly, I want to highlight that moving toward the hope of achieving greater parenting bliss doesn’t mean you will succeed in becoming the perfect parent or raising the perfect child—believe me, you and/or your child will fall off that pedestal faster than a giraffe can walk a tightrope. In life, there will always be bumps in the road. Humans are as imperfect as the next species, and aiming for perfection will only set us up to fail. What will develop, however, is the attitude that nothing in life is fixed and that all behaviour, no matter how ingrained, can be unlearned if those involved in the process are committed to making the change. Given that you haven’t abandoned this book yet, I’m guessing that counts you as one of those people. Good for you and that parenting quality of not giving up.