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First, don't assume you're doing something wrong! Children often behave differently in different environments. Sometimes they're exhausted from managing expectations all day. Sometimes they've learned that certain behaviours get different responses at home.
The important question isn't simply why does this happen? but what is the behaviour achieving or communicating?
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Children don't usually set out to create an argument. Often, they're simply reacting to disappointment. Hearing 'no' means they aren't going to get something they were hoping for, and that can be frustrating.
The trick isn't expecting children never to argue. It's learning to recognise when a disagreement is becoming an argument — and knowing when not to engage.
In Parenting Behaviour, I explore this through a strategy called Fishing Talk, which helps parents recognise and avoid getting caught in unnecessary arguments.
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Ironically, the answer is almost contained in the question itself!
When children become overwhelmed by strong emotions, their ability to listen, process information and reason can be significantly reduced.
Understanding what I call the Hare Brain can help parents recognise when their child is ready to listen — and, just as importantly, when they're not.
I explore Hare Brain and how it influences children's behaviour in my book, Parenting Behaviour.
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Firstly, it's important to paint this picture with a dash of reality.
Young children, regardless of their personality and temperament, will have meltdowns.
As we grow older, we gradually learn how to manage difficult emotions. And like most things we learn, this takes practice, experience and a little trial and error.
But what appears to be a small incident may not tell the whole story.
Understanding what I call the Pressure Gauge can help parents recognise why seemingly insignificant situations sometimes lead to enormous emotional reactions.
I explore the Pressure Gauge and its role in understanding children's behaviour in Parenting Behaviour.
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The answer, as some of you have probably guessed, is that no two children are the same!
Their personalities, temperaments and willingness — or reluctance — to please others all influence how they see and interact with the world, their parents, siblings, peers and, especially, the rules.
What works beautifully with one child may be far less effective with another.
In my book, Parenting Behaviour, I explore this concept through scenarios involving children with different personalities, helping parents recognise possible parallels with their own parenting approaches and the little people they love.
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It would be nice to say there's one simple reason why children repeat behaviours they've been asked to stop.
Unfortunately, there isn't!
Among the many possibilities, the parenting approach might not be the right one for that particular child. Or perhaps they're testing the boundaries and rules, just to see whether they still apply.
There may be several factors at play, and understanding them can provide valuable clues about why repeated reminders aren't producing the desired result.
In Parenting Behaviour, I explore how understanding children's behaviour, alongside the boundaries and expectations we establish, can help parents recognise when a different approach may be needed.
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Life, whether you're little or big, is about learning.
Part of that journey involves discovering how to interact with the world, the people around us and the experiences we encounter every day.
How we respond can fluctuate depending on our mood, what happened beforehand, how well we've slept or whether previous experiences have taught us that the rules might occasionally bend in our favour.
And that's certainly not an exhaustive list.
Understanding why children can manage something one day but struggle or refuse the next is an important part of recognising how behaviour, expectations and parenting approaches interact.
It's something I explore further in Parenting Behaviour.
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To answer this question, let's move away from thinking specifically about children and consider people as a whole.
When strong emotions are involved, it can be difficult for anyone to listen to someone who's trying to be the voice of reason. When we're angry or upset, the last thing we often want is a rational explanation. We want someone to understand how we're feeling first.
That doesn't mean strong emotions give anyone permission to break rules or treat others disrespectfully. It means there are important steps to take before attempting to resolve a difficult situation.
These are some of the practical steps I explore in my book, Parenting Behaviour.
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Like most things in parenting, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. However, one possibility is that children respond differently because their parents use different parenting approaches.
Parenting approaches matter. So does understanding which approach is most appropriate for an individual child and the situation at hand. Knowing your children and understanding what motivates them can provide valuable clues about why they do, or don't, respond to parental requests.
It's why I spend so much time exploring parenting choices with the families I work with, and why parenting styles feature very early in my book, Parenting Behaviour.
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I recently watched a Michael McIntyre comedy sketch in which he joked about thinking he'd successfully avoided certain household tasks. Unfortunately for him, his wife had noticed everything!
Sometimes children operate in much the same way. They discover that someone else might do something for them and decide to test just how far they can push the boat out. And why wouldn't they? Most of us appreciate having someone else take care of a task occasionally.
Of course, children may also ask for help for other reasons, including reassurance or a genuine need for support. Understanding the difference matters, as does knowing how to establish boundaries and expectations that develop alongside a child's growing independence.
These are some of the practical steps I explore in Parenting Behaviour.
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